Epic Rap Battles of History – James Bond vs Austin Powers

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[James Bond (Craig)]:
I’ve beefed with Le Chiffre and No and Blofeld with a cheek scar
But they were not as crooked and rotten as your teeth are
I’ll go balls to the Walther on this whack twat in an ascot
Blast shots atcha like gas from the back slot of a fat Scot
Permission from the Crown to put a scoundrel down? I’ve earned it
I’m licenced to kill, you couldn’t get a learner’s permit
After twenty-four films, I’m still reaching new heights
Your third movie died, guess You Only Live Twice
Spell my name, the ladies wanna B-on-D
Any sex appeal you might have is beyond me
I’m bespoke from my head to my toe and after this flow I’m done
I only need one round, gunshot Golden Gun

You look a lot more blonde in your movie, baby
That’s alright let’s just keep it groovy baby!
Basil Exposition told me this will be boring
But Jesus, man! Even my mojo’s snoring!
I’ve never seen such a miserable spy!
I’ve also never seen a man with glistening thighs
I mean you can’t shag verbally with that waxed tush
Birds flock to the musk of my chest bush (Yeah!)
I hypnotize you with a little strip tease
And then judo chop, I’m swinging on you like the sixties! (Yeah!)
You’re defenseless; my rhymes can’t be deflected!
You’re like all the sex I’ve ever had, unprotected (Yeah!)
People want a hero with a little personality
No one wants to sit through your gritty reality
Maybe Q can craft some new plot lines
You’ve made Thunderball two bloody times!
I’m one of a kind you’re always getting remade!
You can’t touch me, double-oh behave

[James Bond (Craig)]:
Ugh! Can’t believe I’m wasting my time with this clown
I should be on an island with a fucking model by now!
Sipping dry martinis and peeling off bikinis
Not rapping at Swedish penis pumping weenies!

Yeah that’s not mine-

[James Bond (Craig)]:
I didn’t say I was finished! I’m sick of your silly gimmicks!
I’m the best spy in the business; just ask all the critics!
I’ve been through hell, so yeah, I’m a bit of a cynic!
But I’m the original model that your frilly ass mimics!

[James Bond (Connery)]:
I wouldn’t exactly call you original
It’s the most prominent dominant bomb spy so pay homage
Handing out ass-whippings, I’m on some real James Bondage
Your performance doesn’t stir me and I’m certainly not shaken
If I wanted shitty acting in my action film, I’d go and watch Taken
I see your modern gadgets and I piss on them all
I don’t need a Q to break your balls
I’m the granddad of the grand millions of fans I’ve been sold on
You’re so far up on my nuts I should call you Bond… Gold Bond

Yeah, um, could I get back in my rap please?

[James Bond (Connery)]:
Rap these, you velvety hack


[James Bond (Craig)]:
It’s the movie business and you’ve had your six
The world has had quite enough rug-wearing misogynists

Yeah, to be honest, you are a bit rapey
I mean, I like to swing but Dr. No means no, baby

[James Bond (Connery)]:
Oh please, I’m extraordinary, gentlemen, I’m distinguished
If they made a Mini-Me, they’d have to cast Peter Dinklage

[James Bond (Craig)]:
Well maybe they should cast a Bond who’s actually English

[James Bond (Connery)]:
slap Why, pussy, aren’t you the cunning linguist

[James Bond (Craig)]:
As a matter of fact, I’ve got a knack for licking old cunts
After I beat you, I’ll kick the shit out of the man who does your stunts

[James Bond (Connery)]:
Now you listen here, you little duck-faced runt
I’m all in, I’m ready to die any day that you want!






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